Under The Sun

By Allison Langer

I’m 43 and saggy flat.

I told my friend Jessica I was considering a boob job. She said, “It’s about time. You’ll never get a date in this town with small tits.”

Is that true? I’ve spoken to tons of men who say they hate giant fake boobs. But they’re not asking me out, so maybe they hate tiny real ones too. Shit, even my dad’s girlfriend has fakers.

I don’t want huge ones—even though it seems like every woman in Miami’s got double Ds. I like small boobs. They never get in the way. And I can walk my dog in my PJs without offending my neighbors.

But mine aren’t just small, they’re sad. Compared to all those happy boobies I see at Equinox gym or Merrick Park or Temple Judea preschool—mine are frowning.

I’ve tried to find a better bra. It turns out they don’t make pretty and functional bras for little boob’d women. Bras with underwire cut into my ribs. And I can’t do a push-up bra—there’s nothing to push up.

Recently, I went to the little girl section of Target. I was in the dressing room with one called, My First Bra. I put it on. The cup was half empty.

One time, years ago, I bought a water bra. The damn thing weighed 5 pounds. When my date took it off, it hit the floor and made the loudest thud.

“What was that?” he asked.

“Huh? I didn’t hear anything.”

Anyway, it was clear a bra was not going to fix the real problem…

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always judged women with fake boobs: How could they hack up their bodies? How could I consider something so vain? I’m the bohemian among my waspy Coral Gables friends. I’m a successful photographer. I had children by myself, without a man.

But after nursing my children, my formerly full breasts look like a pair of chicken cutlets.

So what’s a small tittied girl in Miami to do?

I had braces. I dye my hair when the grey comes in. I wear make-up. Why not fix my boobs?

It’s been a while since I’ve thought about dating. I’ve spent the last five years pregnant or nursing babies. But I’m single. I’d like to get naked with a man one day … soon. And I want to feel sexy.

Is it so bad to want my cup more than half full?